Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Today was just one of those days! Just one of those days when you think....should I have done it that way? Should I have said it this way? Should I have just stayed in bed under those nice warm covers and just slept the day away or better yet, just stayed in bed, in my pj's reading a great book. The alarm went off at the usual time, 4:15AM. Early you think, yup it is early. But, I have not gone to to the gym in two weeks and I wanted to get back there, so, I set my alarm to go off at that ungodly hour! HA! HA! The alarm went off, but of course I was already awake, having been awakened about an hour before from a nightmare. Of course I was not able to shake that nightmare, I was now tossing and turning trying to go back to sleep..nope, no sleep and now, of course, I am tired and just can't seem to get motivated to get out of bed, so I hit the snooze, again, and again and again. When finally I have past the point of no return, I can no longer go to the gym. I will not get back in time for work. Sadly, I will not go to the gym another day. Another day of missing a workout that would be so good for my body and soul, if I could only drag my sorry, old butt to the gym b/c as it turns out, today was just one of those days, one of those days where everyone felt the need to tell me, just tell me all the things that were wrong with this and wrong with that. It was the day that the darling daughter snuck into her HS bathroom and sent a text message to her Grandfather to come and get her from school b/c she was not feeling well and wanted to go home and they let her go home! WHAT? REALLY? How does that happen? No phone call to me? No seeing the nurse first? It was the day that just seemed to sneak up on me and had I gone to the gym perhaps I would not have felt that way. Let's see what tomorrow's 4:15 wake up call will bring me? WIll it bring me motivation and determination? OR WIll it bring me more arm bending to hit the snooze button? I am surely hoping that it brings me determination and motivation, I sure need it!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Ferry Ride

Embarking on the ferry we were tired, so we quickly found our seats, grabbed our phones and waited for the ferry to take off. We were coming off a busy weekend and were happy that this leg of the journey home was now at the end. Only 1 more hour and we would be home. It is always when you are least expecting something, when your guard is down that things can really catch you and grab you and you have the incredulous thought, like, "what is going on?" and "how did this happen?". That is what happened to me when the ferry began to rock n roll like we were caught in a hurricane. The first lurch I looked at my husband as if, "did you feel that?" or "was that just me look?" However, one look at his face and I knew that it was not just me that felt the lurch and pitching forward that practically pitched me out of my seat. Oh boy is all I could think, this was not going to be the quiet and quick ride home I was anticipating...nope, not in the least! I quickly scanned the people around me, those who were still up and about the boat who were now trying to make it to their seats safely without winding up in others laps or better yet, falling down and hurting themselves. The lurching and pitching continued to get much worse! I then realized my daughter had not returned yet to her seat. I began to worry, what if it was difficult for her to make it back to her seat, the boat was really rocking now!!! People were walking holding on to things! I began to see people making a bee-line for the outside, uh-oh, those must be the people who do not like to have their tummy's go up/down, up/down and all around! I happen to be one of those people. It is at this point that I begin to feel this panic begin to creep up in me b/c my daughter still has not returned to her seat. I am trying my hardest to not let my husband see that I am about to completely freak out! That last lurch almost felt as if the boat was going to completely roll over! omg...I can feel my heart racing, racing, racing, like everyone on this boat, with all it's noise can hear how fast it is beating, how they can hear the inner voice in my head telling myself that it is all going to be ok! (when in all honesty, I do not know that for sure, who really knows anything for sure, but my little voice is telling me, relax, it will be ok)ALthough, right now, it does not feel ok, the boat has begun to slow down, the rocking and rolling is starting to slow down now! Oh thank god, I spot my daughter, my heart has begun to slow down, slower, slower, slower, finally I see her making her way toward us, she is holding on the seats to make her way to us safely so she does not fall, b/c even though in my head I keep saying it is getting better, the boat really is still rocking and rolling a LOT! She gets to us and says, "wow, can you believe this?" I just catch her eye and nod, that is all I am able to do, b/c if I open my mouth, who knows what might sneak out, I might actually tell them all how truly frightened I am and how I am about to freak out! So for now, I just nod! She sits down and I just keep looking out the window for signs of how close we are to getting to the other side, when the announcer comes on. PHEW! "Will all drivers and their passengers please make their way to their cars, we will be arriving shortly and docking at our destination, blah, blah, blah." was all I heard after that b/c I was just so elated that we were entering our destination which meant calmer seas, going slower and getting off this boat! I had never heard greater words! I was so happy! As we practically ran for the exit of the ferry, I heard my phone go off, it was my sister, who was on a ferry coming from a different destination, apparently having the same issues, she was wondering, "Is your boat getting hammered by waves?" We are getting killed and people are getting sick over the sides!" ahhh, another peaceful crossing apparently! So glad to be home!

Time spent with family is time well spent!

This past Thanksgiving weekend we went to Maine to my brother's house. All of us. My sister's family, kids, dog and all. My other brother and his family, that is his wife and doggie coco. My parents and of course my family. It was the first time in I don't know how many years that all of us were together for a holiday. It was quite priceless that we were all together for a holiday. I can't tell you how grateful to my brother and his wife I am for opening their home to all of us. I mean, there was 17 of us sleeping under one roof and all of the doggies. I am even more grateful because my sister-in-law had her foot operated on only a week ago and it was quite an undertaking to have all of us swoop down on her when she was not even able to walk. Yet, she still made sure that things went on as planned. We were more than willing to stay home, but she told us to still come. I felt so bad for her, she was in pain, yet, she was still baking and cooking and taking care of things like we were at a five star hotel. She was an amazing hostess. At times, well, let's just say it could be quite noisy, noise of people truly enjoying one anothers company. The only person that was not there was my boy who had to work and could not get off of work. That was very sad for me. On the other hand, you have to look at the good side of that, he COULD work, he had the ability and the state of mind to work. So, all in all, so much to be thankful for on Thanksgiving! I had a blast, just being with my family, sitting around laughing about old times, being able to spend time with my brother's kids and his wife, seeing his beautiful home. We ate, laughed, played cards, drank some wine, ate again, played some more. It was so much fun! The kids had a blast! The weather was beautiful! When you sit back and think and reflect about this past year you realize how truly short life is and you just have to live life to the fullest and be so VERY grateful for what you have. Enjoy each and every second!!! I did just that this weekend, I sat back and enjoyed each and every second watching the cousins play with one another, build forts, play games on the computer, go to the candy store and watch movies together! IT is truly what life is about. One night we bought lobsters from a local store, I have not had a lobster in years, it brought some many memories from the past back to me, we all sat there at the table talking about those memories of our childhood and all the times that we ate lobster as kids camping etc. We packed so much into this weekend, it is a weekend that I will cherish for a long time! Another priceless weekend and I am so grateful we got to do it! Thank you Pete and Sue!

Thanksgiving Weekend

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010


On Monday morning my husband and I looked at each other and without saying a word we both knew that the time had come, the time that we knew was slowly creeping up on us had arrived. It was a decision we both dreaded having to make, but now we had no choice. Our dear, sweet, pup, Bailey Girl, had now been up all night, crying in pain, had suddenly lost the ability to hold up her head, or use her legs. We could not and would not let her suffer. So the decision was made. We both began to cry and I woke our two children to tell them that they needed to come and hold their dog. They needed to say anything that they wanted to say to our dear, sweet girl b/c I was going to take her to the vet and make her comfortable and peaceful. My poor son, my big, strapping 19 yr old with his size 14 shoes began to weep, then the weeping turned to sobs. My heart was as broken as his. Bailey was a loyal and faithful dog to us all and the only dog my son has known since he was 3 years old. These past 6 months have been so long and difficult for my dear sweet boy and now this, the loss of his dear dog. It was way more than I or my husband could bear, we left the room for him to grieve with her alone! You see, 6 months ago, we almost lost both of them, my son and our Bailey. Kyle was hurt critically in an accident, left in a coma fighting to come back to us. Our ever faithful dog, she knew that something was wrong, and she stopped eating, drinking or even getting up! Her heart was as broken as ours about her boy. However, he is a fighter and as he fought to heal, so did she. By the time he was awake and had begun talking, our dear sweet pup began to eat and become more of herself again. Our whole family has been so affected by this tragedy and now we will grieve together over the loss of our pup who was a wonderful part of the fabric of our family for 15 yrs. She brought love and joy to us each and everyday and those are the things that we will hold on to as we continue to heal.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

One step forward, two steps back!

I have begun to realize that this process is one that requires lots and lots of patience. We embarked on this journey without asking to go on this journey, it is a path that we are traveling on that we have no idea how to navigate, there is no guide book to, there is no right way to figure out which way you go when you are now thrown in a different direction and you are re-writing your original path, I just wish it was not so much like a roller coaster ride that at times feels like a roller coaster ride during a hurricane. Full of twists, turns, surprises, drops that leave your stomach at the top and you are at bottom asking, "how the heck did I get here? b/c I sure as hell didn't see that coming??? It is completely exhausting and there are days where I wonder, how am I going to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other, and yet, that is what you do, you get up and you keep going, you need to, you just never know what greatness the next day may bring!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

It does get better, right?

As time marches on, my mantra has become, it will get better, it will get better! Believe me, I know it could be so much worse, and we were so darn lucky, we are so darn blessed. My son is alive, he is a vibrant, happy, 19 yr old boy who is working his way back to the place he was before the accident, so I ask, why the heck am I so haunted by the trauma? IS it because it was so traumatic? Is it because I just can't seem to shake the horrific image of my little boy laying in the road with his skull cracked open, bleeding from his ear, having trouble breathing and I, the mom, the one who is supposed to be able to take care of him frozen with terror screaming for help, screaming for someone, anyone to please save my boy, someone please don't let my boy die. It is an image that seems to grip a hold of me everyday, at the oddest of moments, it still takes my breath away, it will instantly cause me to go to tears and it will instantly bring me back to the horrific moment, the moment when our lives changed forever and I know that I will never be the same. I know, with time, it will get better, after all, I have my miracle boy, I guess I should not ask for anything more!